Black and white gay men dating

We are all socialized to see whiteness as supreme and to see blackness as less than through media and cultural productions.

This socialization influences what we think is beautiful and desirable, and this follows us even in dating.

This performance for this gaze creates the need to create the perfect hetero-normative relationship where partners are of a certain size, gender performance, economic standing and beauty standard.

This ‘perfection’ is rarely ever reached, but the aspiration for it excludes a group of people who fail by too large of margins to ever be considered.

How can somebody with scathing critiques on the wickedness of whiteness, later find themselves with the very folks socialized to administer this violence?

I had a complex thought that may be right or wrong, but don’t the ones resisting and dissenting against reality desire fantasy, too?

Even when I think of black radical heroes that I hold dearly to my heart and mind like Audre Lorde, James Baldwin, and Marlon Riggs; I have to recognize their white partners.

I bring these memories up at times of romance because I am uncomfortable with most joyful things, knowing that they must end. There is nothing poetic about screaming “fuck you, nigga” during an argument with my lover, but I am sure I am following the legacy of black, loud femmes not interested in being tamed who came before me–like Nina Simone, my sister, and my mother. I wouldn’t compromise and they would not either, and toxicity got mundane, and the relationships would end.

I knew subconsciously that these choices weren’t coincidental or just merely about desire, but they were political choices.

I know white supremacy doesn’t just manifest in public spaces, but can show up in interpersonal, even romantic, experiences.

I used this fact to gather my own ideas on their choices.

They hate themselves and this is internalized anti-blackness, I concluded.

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